All I want is somebody to bring me doughnuts and lay in bed with me, not come near or talk to me, just be there and occasionally let me cuddle them when I feel needy then leave when I want to sleep, then bring me more doughnuts.
Basically I just want the doughnuts…
Sometimes you look back and you miss the past, the way things were, but then you realise the past is gone and the future holds more than the past ever could have.
Looking back 6 months is insane. I was miserable. Felt like I was going no where and wasting my time. I’m now going travelling round Indonesia, lost over a stone and a half, met some incredible people, got a job I enjoy and possibly going Barcelona and Amsterdam before the New Year. I’m learning to drive and pushing myself to achieve things purely for myself. I’ve accepted the fact I’m not perfect but I’m pretty happy with the progress I’ve made to become more positive, I’ve removed negativity from my life were possible and I genuinely couldn’t be happier and couldn’t have done it without my family constantly supporting me and helping me through the bad times. So so grateful right now.
I unfollowed a lot of people a while ago on Instagram, twitter and here. This was due to the fact I was fed up of being miserable with the way I looked constantly comparing myself to people I saw as ‘perfect’ now I’m realising I am not that person, I never will be, they are probably unhappy and compare themselves to someone else. Nobody will ever be entirely happy but self acceptance is the way forward. I’m now getting happier with myself and feel like I no longer compare myself to other people as much. I am my own person, with my own doubts and insecurities, but accepting them doubts and insecurities and learning to live with them and grow past them is the best thing ever.
Something that still disgusts me is I was told I wasn’t good enough, that I was no longer attractive because I’d gained weight, that I was not a nice person and that I was never going to achieve anything. I was told this so persistently that I believed it for many months. I pushed everyone away and believed that I wasn’t good enough to be friends with people, for my job, for my boyfriend and that I’d never get anywhere. I believed this for months.
Now I’ve pushed myself away from the negativity. I’ve realised I was good enough, I was too good. I have gained weight but I’m also embracing the fact I have curves. Yes I’d love to lose weight but I’m not restricting myself to salad and water because I believe I’m fat. My aim is to become healthier and stronger than I’ve ever been. Not twig thin. Curvy and strong. I was too nice. I did too much for people until I believed I wasn’t good enough now I’m the in-between I keep my guard up and I’m not too nice that I’m a push over, but nice enough to love and care AND finally I’m achieving everything I always dreamed of. Yes I’ve lost people I loved and yes I wish things could have been different but I’m learning to love myself and be happy with myself and my life.
I will NEVER let anybody make me feel like I’m not good enough and worthless again. Why surround yourself with negativity when you can love who you are and achieve so much when you believe you can.